The 20 Sh*ttiest Christmas Songs Ever Recorded
Yearly Around this time, individuals put apart petty differences to agree on one factor: Christmas music is sort of universally insufferable. Certain, there are various beloved classics, but for every Nat King Cole or Bing Crosby gem, there are dozens and dozens of recent disasters arriving yearly because the music industrial advanced by no means stops its hateful meeting line of woe. Whereas we are able to all quibble about what makes a Christmas track resonate, one factor a Christmas track can by no means be is cool. There may be nothing cool about Christmas, and there by no means was.
Paradoxically, the songs which have stood the take a look at of time come from artists who had been the epitome of musical cool of their day—Elvis’ “Blue Christmas,” or Wham’s “Final Christmas,” for instance—but it’s solely by means of the IRL Instagram lens that these have been grandfathered into the canon; their hip edges sanded all the way down to the purpose the place the songs seem to be they’ve at all times existed impartial of area and time. That is as a result of Christmas isn’t in regards to the current—or the presents, for that matter—but in regards to the previous. It isn’t this week’s vacation we’re wanting ahead to, it is those which have passed by. We’re hoping to really feel the best way we used to really feel once we had been youthful and issues had been easier. We’re hoping to disregard the opposite 364 days of the yr once we’re consumed with a need to be cool.
And but, the overwhelming majority of Christmas songs are the furthest factor from a consolation blanket. Right here, a countdown of the worst. [Editor’s Note: In a testament to the incredibly polarizing nature of Christmas music as a genre, some of the songs below also appear on our list of the best Christmas songs.]
20. Pentatonix – “That is Christmas To Me”
It takes a number of work to sing harmonies this tight, but when the outcome appears like frolicking band of cyborg carolers going door to door within the Uncanny Valley, it type of defeats the aim. This track by Pentatonix, an a cappella group made up of GAP mannequins that come to life when the mall closes at evening, has virtually 18 million views on YouTube—which, judging by their lofty requirements, is a disastrous failure. but contemplating it is the one unique tune on their second album filled with Christmas songs, it will get the nod right here.
19. John Denver – “Please, Daddy (Do not Get Drunk on Christmas)”
Nothing says vacation cheer like a baby pleading together with his emotionally abusive alcoholic father to not get shit-faced and move out underneath the tree once more. Whereas that is definitely fertile and appropriate territory for a rustic track the remainder of the yr, the distinction between the subject material and the jaunty vacation association right here is sufficient to drive you to the bottle.
18. Bon Jovi – “Back Door Santa”
Like Springsteen’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to City,” that is one other within the lengthy line of lunchpail rockers placing on the hardhat and punching the clock on the Christmas Rock Manufacturing unit custom. A canopy of Clarence Carter’s 1968 recording, it additionally suits squarely into the Sexy For Christmas canon. Other than the really dreadful riff that appears like somebody spilled eggnog on the Trans-Siberian Orchestra keyboard, it has little or no to do, thematically—or lyrically—with Christmas.
17. Christina Aguilera – “Oh Holy Night”
that one home on the block lined each inch from basis to chimney in garish, glowing lights, with animatronic Santas and reindeers operating up the roof and a nativity scene in addition? That is much less delicate than that.
16. Maroon 5 – “Comfortable Christmas (Conflict Is Over)
Regardless of what different, lesser Worst Christmas Songs Ever listicles would possibly let you know, the John Lennon unique is unassailable. but, and this will likely come as a shock to lots of you, Adam Levine and firm handle to derail Lennon’s composition right here with a plodding association and a falsetto warble that drains the track of any remnants of soul or poignancy.
15. Duck the Halls – “Santa Looked A lot Like Daddy”
We had a very good run, culturally speaking.
14. NewSong – “The Christmas Footwear”
NewSong is not simply this Christian rock band’s identify—it is also one thing they in all probability need to placed on their to-do schedule. This one is one other maudlin, manipulative tear-jerker a few younger boy who’s watching his mom on her loss of life mattress. He needs to purchase his mother a brand new pair of footwear for when she “meets Jesus tonight,” and he simply needs her to look her greatest… Ah… Truly? I believe it is getting slightly dusty in right here. This one… That is probably the most loving factor I’ve ever heard. I take all of it Back.
13. Joel Grey – “I am Gonna Put Some Glue ‘AAround the Christmas Tree (So Santa Claus Will Stick Around All Year)”
This can be a track a few budding serial killer and torturer devising an elaborate Saw-like entice for Santa Claus, who he plans to carry captive for your entire yr. Creepy sufficient earlier than you get to the truth that Grey was a grown man singing within the voice of slightly boy by the point he recorded this one.
12. Iggy Pop – “White Christmas”
In principle, that is speculated to coast by on the irony of a man like Iggy Pop singing a pleasant Christmas traditional, but it’s such a half-baked slapdash association, with Pop seeming like he recorded his vocal from inside a stocking, that it as an alternative comes throughout as macabre. And never in a great way.
11. Set It Off – “This Christmas (I will Burn It To The Floor)”
This comes from a kind of ubiquitous Punk Goes… albums, through which up to date pop punk, emo, and steel bands are tasked with stunt covers, but surprisingly the majority of the album is fairly good! This one, but, is a cavalcade of raving carnival barker theatrical-horror-core that in some way comes off as each a parody of the scene and the concept of Christmas itself.
10. Bruce Springsteen – “Santa Claus Is Coming to City”
Because it was written Back within the ’30s, this traditional has been recorded by everybody from Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra to Miley Cyrus, but it’s this sweaty-dad-ripping-a-hole-in-the-ass-pocket-of-his-Levis groaner that is in some way turn into ubiquitous lately. Some artists have the power to lose themselves in a canopy, elevating the unique to heretofore unheard heights, whereas others, like Springsteen, handle to make every little thing they ever do sound like the identical hokey bar band shtick time and Back without end.
9. She & Him – “Baby It is Cold Outside”
In our present period of wokeness, that is, in all chance, probably the most problematic Christmas track ever. Nothing units the Christmas temper fairly so readily as a protracted date rape in motion. And but, in some way, we’re nonetheless handled to a brand new recording of the track almost yearly. There are lots of to select from, but you will not do a lot worse than She & Him, which inverts the gender dynamics for the sake of being “playful,” which, you recognize, utterly undermines the purpose of inverting the gender dynamics.
8. Tiny Tim – “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS”
OK wait, perhaps the one much less appropriate subject material for a Christmas track than date rape is Santa Claus getting AIDS. That is the premise of this really weird quantity from Tiny Tim. Recorded in 1980, the monitor from the ’70s TV staple and ukulele weirdo wasn’t launched till virtually a decade later, the place it has haunted the goals of everybody who’s heard it since.
7. The Killers – “Do not Shoot Me Santa”
By no means thoughts the subject material—a murderous boy pleading with Santa to not shoot him—this 2007 track can be harrowing sufficient for the jerky time adjustments and psychopath-level spoken phrase sections.
6. Band Aid – “Do They Know It is Christmas”
Contemplating how Ethiopia has been a Christian nation for one thing like 1,500 years, and a majority of its inhabitants recognized as such when this profit track was written in 1984, I believe it is secure to say they do, in reality, know. As a lot because it pains me to say something crucial of Phil Collins and Duran Duran, this monitor is an instance of how nostalgia is harmful.
5. Justin Bieber – “Mistletoe”
Jingle bells, a jaunty island vibe, and Bieber pledging to be underneath the mistletoe together with his “shorty.” What may go fallacious?
4. Pussycat Dolls – “Santa Baby”
Whereas it is arduous to seek out a lot fault with the Eartha Kitt unique, if there’s one factor this already-thirsty track wanted to push it over the sting, it was about 5000 % much less subtly, a number of stripper-poles, and Carmen Electra gyrating in thigh-high stockings to essentially promote the spirit of the vacation season.
3. The Jackson 5 – “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Surprisingly, “Santa Baby” is not the one entry within the venerable previous Sexy for Santa canon. That is one other that is been recorded many instances through the years, but the thought of a five-year-old Michael Jackson singing this one solely heightens the weirdness degree. There’s nothing that claims Christmas fairly just like the considered a voyeuristic baby watching his father get cuckolded by a person who snuck into your own home in the course of the evening.
2. Lady Gaga – “Christmas Tree”
Hear me out: What if we jammed as many iconic Christmas melodies as doable into one cold slog of an un-danceable dance monitor through which Lady Gaga alludes to her vagina as a scrumptious Christmas tree?
1. Paul McCartney and Wings – “Wonderful Christmas Time”
That is the Beatles of horrible Christmas songs. It is a love track between a middle-aged man and the brand new Casio keyboard he received in his stocking. A track whose superior black gap of musicality is sort of highly effective sufficient to suck the life out of every little thing McCartney did earlier than.